Somewhere Amazing

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Weapons of Mint Destruction

Weapon of Mint Destruction

A kindly old lady my family used to sit beside in church as I grew up, sadly no longer with us but in a place where sermons are no longer dull and distraction via mint-sharing no longer necessary, used to offer my sister and I Fisherman’s Friend mints every Sunday in church. The first time I took one to be polite…and within seconds my mouth was on fire and I wondered if this innocent old lady was actually a Secret Service agent trialling explosive mints to the unwary. My reasoning was that no sane person would offer such a mint to a mere child (not for a minute implying that Secret Service Agents are insane…). I was then offered a theory by my slightly older and in my eyes infinitely wiser sister, that such older women had lost, through age, the ability to taste much so the mint didn’t effect her to the same extent. 

To this day I’m unsure as to the legitimacy of this reasoning. 

Having a Fisherman’s Friend mint, or if you’re feeling truly sadistic or suicidal, multiple mints, in your mouth is like trying to suck on the hottest chilli pepper in the world. In mint terms its like progressing from a polo mint to a neutron bomb with nothing in between. 

What I do know is that one of the greatest disciplines in the world to learn is that of keeping a Fisherman’s Friend mint in your mouth for any length of time without coughing, choking or spitting it out or your face going the kind of purple that would have made Willie Wonka call his Oompa Loompa’s to cart you off to Wonka rehab. It should really be a timed event of endurance in the Olympics. The thing is, Willie Wonka would have apologetically said that such a mint was in the early stages of development and subject to continual adjustment…but the makers of the Fisherman’s Friend mint deemed it ready for public consumption. If such a mint made it to market today the company behind it would be called before the Commons Select Committee to explain their actions (for those unfamiliar with the CSC, its a UK cross party political panel which calls people and organisations in to explain themselves and, often for the cameras, tries to get them to make grovelling if insincere apologies for apparent mishaps (like plunging the word into economic meltdown) by contorting their faces into angry expressions in the hope that the ‘accused’ will be terrified into making tearful apologies, thus making the panel look big and increase their political street cred…and hopefully gain another thousand twitter followers). 

Back to the point…

I am pretty sure that if any of the world’s superpowers received news that an oppressive regime was stock piling Fisherman’s Friend mints, it would be classed as a Weapon of Mint Destruction and they would have to seriously consider a pre-emptive strike.

As for me and my mouth, Extra Strong mints are about as far as I go 🙂

Thanks for reading

Somewhere Amazing 🙂 

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